


And It Hurts But I'm Not that Surprised

by victoriousscarf



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: M/M, One Sided Kili- Fili, One Sided Ori- Fili
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-02
Updated: 2013-02-02
Packaged: 2017-11-27 21:56:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/666911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/victoriousscarf/pseuds/victoriousscarf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Have you ever wanted someone you can’t have?” Kili slurred one night and Ori just stared at him.</p><p>His fingers were trembling slightly around the mug of ale in front of him. “Yes,” he said, seeing a flash of gold disappear somewhere and his eyes drifted over to see Kili staring after the same point.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And It Hurts But I'm Not that Surprised

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I seriously have no idea how this happened. I sat down to write one fic and ended up with two completely different ones instead, this being one of them. 
> 
> Entirely blamed upon Heather Dale's song "Storybook." 100% blamed on that and you should probably listen to the song.

“Have you ever wanted someone you can’t have?” Kili slurred one night and Ori just stared at him.

His fingers were trembling slightly around the mug of ale in front of him. “Yes,” he said, seeing a flash of gold disappear somewhere and his eyes drifted over to see Kili staring after the same point.

“I don’t like it,” Kili declared.

“That’s because you’re used to getting what you want,” Ori murmured, paying more attention to his mug for a moment, looking up again when Kili didn’t say anything. “What?”

“You make me sound spoiled,” Kili complained slightly, eyes dark with sorrow and Ori suppressed a sigh.

“Somewhat,” he said. “You’re certainly more used to getting what you want than—well, than I’ve ever been. I’ve learned to live with disappointment. You’re just not used to it.”

For a long moment Kili just looked at him and Ori shifted, uncomfortable, before both their eyes were drawn back to where Fili was laughing at something Dwalin said, Thorin smiling next to them.

“I don’t want to get used to it,” Kili said finally and Ori made a sound of agreement back in his throat. Realizing they were both staring at the same person, they looked over at each other.

Swallowing, Ori’s fingers traced the cup again. “It’s really not a nice feeling,” he said finally.

“Are there many things you want you get?” Kili asked after a moment’s consideration, actually trying to put himself in the other’s position.

Ori thought about Nori constantly leaving and not coming back, and the way Dori’s eyes got a bit more shadowed every night and the books he’d stare at in the market before counting out his coins and still coming up short if he wanted to get Dori’s tea and enough food to feed them that week. “Not many,” he said softly.

Kili’s eyes slid back to where Fili stood. “I’m not him,” he said and Ori frowned.

“No,” he agreed slowly, wondering what the other meant.

“And you’re not him either,” Kili continued. “But if neither of us can get him, we could have each other.”

“This sounds like a really drunk idea,” Ori said after several breaths.

Kili made a face at him. “I’m not that drunk,” he protested. “I’m just—”

“Lonely,” Ori finished for him and he nodded morosely.

“Very,” Kili nodded.

Ori watched Fili from across the room, taking in his braids and the tilt of his head. “I’m not sure what you’d get out of it,” he said finally. “I’m nothing like him. You aren’t much either, though,” he blushed as he looked over. “Your eyes are the same, and your posture. You’re more like him than I am.”

Shrugging, Kili finished the ale in his mug before setting it down. “Yeah, but who else understands?”

Ori pulled on one of the small braids in his beard before nodding. “Yeah, alright,” he managed and Kili flashed him a grin that made his chest ache. “This is insane,” he added for good measure as Kili rose, following him.

“Probably,” Kili agreed, good naturedly, and they were both probably a bit more tipsy than they really thought they were. Once outside, Kili wrapped Ori’s hand with his, leading him around the corridors of the Blue Mountains.

“This is really mad,” Ori said and Kili turned to kiss him. Neither of them had any idea what they were actually doing, but they got through it with the enthusiasm of youth and desperation neither of them wanted to think about too closely.

They got through most of the night that way, fumbling, occasionally laughing, but mostly just desperate for something they didn’t want to say between them.

“Do you love him, you think?” Kili asked, Ori sprawled out on his bed with his head resting on Kili’s stomach.

“I don’t know,” Ori said softly, though he strongly suspected he did.

“I do,” Kili said, conviction firm in his voice and Ori swallowed. He figured that if it ever came down to it, if Kili ever tried anything, Fili would drop faster than a falcon in the dive. Frankly, he wasn’t sure how he was the one that ended up propositioned, considering the way sometimes Fili would look back at his brother when he thought no one was watching.

“Then why don’t you tell him?” Ori murmured, sleepy but not wanting to lose the moment.

Kili ran a hand through his hair. “Because he’s the heir,” he said finally. “Because he believes in his duty. Because he’s my brother.”

Ori opened his mouth and shut it, looking up at the ceiling. “And that stops you.”

“Yes,” Kili said and they lapsed into silence.

“Do you think it always will?” Ori asked, having focused on the rise and fall of Kili’s chest for a while.

“I don’t know,” Kili said, shaking his head and running his fingers through Ori’s hair, having unraveled quite a few of his braids. “I just don’t know. Somedays I think it’s a puny barrier and others I can’t even imagine it.”

“You should at least tell him,” Ori said, unable to believe he was pushing for someone else to approach Fili. The thought of it made heavy jealousy curl in his stomach and he wanted to gag on it. “Let him have a say in the decision.” He knew that he at least had no chance, but Kili might. Maybe it would be better that one of them was happy, better that Fili might actually be happy.

Kili hummed. “Maybe,” he said finally. “But until then, there’s us, isn’t there?”

“Is there an us?” Ori asked the ceiling and he felt Kili shrug underneath him.

“There might as well be an us,” he said softly and Ori rolled over, onto his stomach and still on top of Kili. Raising his hands to tangle in Kiil’s wild dark hair he leaned up to kiss him, slower this time as they better understood the mechanics of it. He fell asleep like that, his head on Kili’s chest as Kili weaved stories about what they could do, what they could be. Even as he smiled at the tales weaved in his ear, he knew if Fili ever looked over they would disappear like smoke.

But it was a nice story to listen to.

 


End file.
